“Let Sleeping Dogs Lie”
Ugh… what in the world is wrong with me? Wait, that’s potentially a very dangerous question to ask depending on the audience! Before answering though, maybe let’s not focus on the extra 11 lbs I can’t seem to walk off, or the roadmap of lines on my face and neck because I’m terrified of surgery, needles, and definitely DO NOT want to look like the 50-ish, nipped, tucked, and plastic-faced brunette standing in front of me in line at the Rome airport a couple years ago. Um, you know what, on second thought, this isn’t a great subject. Let’s move on. Not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been ‘MIA’ on DearEasyDiaries, and while I’d like to report some wildly exciting news like the project I’ve been working on is close to completion, we’re not there yet. And no, I didn’t take up breeding Bernese Mountain Dogs in a chillier climate like Jackson Hole, Wyoming with acres and acres of land to surround me. I also didn’t decide to take an extended vacation in San Miguel d’ Allende and am happily immersed in a self-rejuvenation program complete with the backdrop of a heavenly little, salmon-colored Villa dripping with lush, vibrant, Bougainvillea, although that does sound like a slice of heaven, doesn’t it? Hmmm, enough with the random musings and distractions; it’s time to face reality, so here it is. I’ve been STUCK, seriously stuck, which is not the same thing as “letting sleeping dogs lie!” Not by a long shot. During my childhood and for many, many years afterwards, it was my life’s mission to adhere to the strictest interpretation of that very apt expression about sleeping dogs, but, as of this writing, those days are officially long gone.
“ENOUGH SAID.”
It’s not easy to accept, much less disclose, but here’s what I can reveal about my prolonged absence… I’ve been carrying a significant and painful personal burden for several years, and it was damn close to getting the best of me with its paralyzing writer’s block effect. Mercifully the proverbial “monkey on my back” did not best me. In fact, I may be finally making peace with its sad reality, but why? What was the challenge, what’s changed, and how is it that am I ready to make my way back? While the burden of betrayal isn’t the simplest thing to accept or understand, the “aha moment” and absolution which accompanied my recent breakthrough has been surprisingly cathartic. It’s almost like some internal super force granted me permission to really stop, examine, and see the burden for exactly what it was… a betrayal like none other I’ve ever experienced, and THAT is truly saying something. If you’ve ever read this blog before, it shouldn’t come as a huge shock that, with the exception of a handful of truly loyal people, my life has known far more deception than I could have ever contemplated. So, a few weeks ago when I received a call from someone who’s been a dear friend for ages, and offered an ear, as well as their experience and wise counsel, the interaction provided me the courage to tackle a painful truth lurking behind walls which have felt like they were closing in around me. Blessedly, my conversation with that dear and trusted connection brought tremendous relief. Rather than hiding from my fear of what the elusive truths might reveal, I finally dug deeper without fear of retribution and really probed the cache of evidence resulting from the malice exacted against me. With that as my touchstone, combined with some brilliant legal guidance, the nuanced guilt and inconceivable conflict which I’ve been guarding so closely for five years has been proven unjustified. It’s still painful, but now the hurt walks arm in arm with absolution. Nevertheless, what remains is an enormously ugly truth, and it struck with enough force to slap (or rather drop) me out of my paralysis.
MUCH LIKE THE EXPRESSION “LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE,” MY MOM ALWAYS USED TO SAY, “NEVER WAKE SLEEPING CHILDREN,” WHICH SEEMS LIKE AN APPROPRIATE ANALOGY, AND HITS A NERVE AS MY CHILDREN AND DOGS HAVE ALWAYS HELD A DISPROPORTIONATELY LARGE PART OF MY HEART.
Well, that was one hell of a way to dive right back into the deep end of troubled waters, but I’ve promised myself, there will be no retreating, so here we go. At some point in our lives, it’s likely we’ve all heard the expression “let sleeping dogs lie,” and while the photo or title introducing this post may have initially led you to think otherwise, it’s got to be awfully damn obvious if you’ve read this far…
This is NOT a tale about dogs!
Not by a long shot. Despite any pictures of the assorted four-legged blessings which may pepper this post, all of which have graced my life throughout the years, this post isn’t about them. This tragic truth telling is my way of dealing with misplaced loyalty, recurring betrayal, breaking of generational curses, risk of inaction, and the tough reality of lessons learned too late. None of those issues have anything to do with the untarnished loyalty I’ve experienced with the canine species, but each, and every single one of those same horribly sad and unfortunate topics are things which have dominated much of my life. So, with that said, if you’d be kind enough to indulge me, I’d like to share a few “nuts and bolts” from the recent conversation I shared with my treasured friend mentioned above.
This friend of mine has been a part of my life for decades, and even though we don’t see or talk to each other all that often, when we do catch up it’s like reconnecting with a piece of my soul. That said, our last conversation was unlike any others exchanged over the last few decades.
My friend’s family owns a chain of up-scale boutiques on the East Coast, and when she called a couple weeks ago to catch up, she relayed an event which stopped me dead in my tracks. Her family’s business had recently experienced an unexpected and vicious attack on the livelihood they spent decades building. Apparently, a disgruntled employee possessing some computer science background “hacked” their computer infrastructure and helped themselves to the businesses’ email communications between vendors and other businesses with which they interact. The resulting investigation created an almost two weeks-long shut down for each of the company’s locations and cost the family-run business hundreds of thousands, if not millions, in financial loss. Not an easy hit for most family businesses to withstand, and while my friend relayed that her family would be fine… determined to persevere and continue thriving, the details which she explained occurred during the chaos, were what took my breath. The family filed a police report, which in turn (at least from my simplistic understanding of the scenario) generated a response from the F.B.I. and from that moment forward, the family lost their ability to have any input into the array of prosecutorial decisions moving forward, which my friend’s family was fine with, as they were solely focused on tracking the chain of infiltration, identify the parties involved, ensure that justice was done, and eliminate any chance of the crime or damage from ever occurring again. However, when I found myself short of breath and unable to respond to my friend’s portrayal of the story’s outcome, she tentatively asked if I was okay. Hesitantly, I said, “this is just a lot to process right now.” “Why” she asked; it doesn’t impact anyone other than my family, some business associates, and the communities we serve?
THE LOYALTY AND LOVE THESE ENORMOUS DARLINGS SHARE WITH THEIR HUMANS IS UNWAVERING; WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT MANY OF THE TWO-LEGGED CREATURES WHO’VE BEEN LIBERALLY SPRINKLED THROUGHOUT MY SIX DECADES.
Several seconds after she asked the question, I composed myself and with the foundation of trust I knew our friendship was based on, I proceeded to explain my unusual reaction to her news. Here’s how it went…
(me) “Five years ago, I experienced something kind of like what your family has just endured, except as we both know I don’t have a business like your family’s, so it was just a personal type of attack.”
(friend) “Wait, what? Why would someone target you in a random cyber-attack? Did they get into your bank account, credit cards… wtf? I don’t get it?”
(me) “No, I don’t think it had anything to do with money. What happened was someone ‘hacked’ my personal email account and re-routed thousands of emails to their own account as well as three others. I didn’t even know it had happened until I reached out by phone to one of my former lawyers asking if there was a problem or some other reason why she hadn’t responded to my last few email inquiries. Only then was it revealed that she hadn’t received any recent emails from me and with that one call, the dark mysterious intrigue began to unravel.
I continued explaining to my friend the steps which this attorney had taken to help me discover the breach, and with every word spoken, I could feel the violation and betrayal as sharply as if it had just occurred. The deception still felt so fresh, the hairs on the back of my neck were tingly and standing up. I knew my voice was a bit shaky, but I kept on detailing the rest of the experience.
(me) “The cyber security technician I was referred to took less than a week to analyze my eons-old email address, dating all the way back to 2004, but he was able to SUCCESSFULLY determine and provide evidence to me in that same amount of time, that someone had rerouted thousands of my personal email communications to IP addresses spanning the country from Knoxville, Tennessee to Glen Cove, New York, and both Santa Monica and Santa Ynez, California.”
There was an awkward moment of silence before my friend tentatively replied, “Missy, wait; did I just hear you correctly? Please tell me you’re not saying what I think you are?”
NO AMOUNT OF CANINE LOYALTY COULD PREVENT THE BREACH OF TRUST I EXPERIENCED, BUT IF THIS AMAZING PROTECTOR HAD HAD HIS WAY, I WOULD NEVER KNOW ANYTHING OTHER THAN UNWAVERING FIDELITY.
Understanding all too well the innuendo woven into her carefully phrased question, I responded by saying, “yes, you heard correctly, and I can confirm that precisely what you think happened, did.” Choking up a bit, I could feel the heat creeping up my neck and was glad we were speaking on the phone rather than in person, as I would have surely broken down and done some super ugly crying if we had been sitting face to face.
(friend) “Oh my God, what did you do, and why is this the first time I’m hearing about it? You must have been an absolute wreck. Did you contact law enforcement? After what I just shared about our family’s experience, I can promise you that the computer hacking you’re describing is illegal. Both cyber-crime and wire fraud are considered federal felonies, especially if the information stolen from you was spread across state lines.”
(me) “I knew it was bad, and have been struggling ever since. But I felt so conflicted and had so many questions about the why, especially when I thought about the four locations and the individuals involved, my mind just couldn’t wrap itself around the knife that had been so carefully and calculatingly inserted into my back AND WORSE, initiated by someone I love so dearly. Plus, other than 17 years of personal, legal, real estate transaction details, and other confidential types of communication, I wouldn’t know how to quantify any tangible damages, like your family’s business suffered. Still, at the end of the day, I think my failure to launch a formal criminal investigation was based in fear and shame. All I could think about when the “event” first happened was wondering what I had ever done to deserve such treachery and what might be the consequence of any law enforcement inquiry I could have made.
I’VE SPENT AND WASTED WAY TOO MUCH TIME LIVING IN FEAR… THAT ENDS NOW!
My friend and I went back and forth for another 15-20 minutes, before ending the conversation and promising to catch up again with far less time in between. It wasn’t five minutes later, I received this screenshot message from the same dear friend, with a brief note saying… “don’t believe for one second that you deserved this type of treatment; YOU DIDN’T AND STILL DON’T. And, Missy, if for no other reason than your own peace of mind, call one of your lawyers that you trust implicitly and ask them. FYI, one quick “Google” search spit this information out; check it out and see for yourself.”
A couple days later with the conversation still fresh in my mind and having reread the information my friend shared at least a couple dozen times, I picked up my cell and sent a quick text to my most trusted lawyer, requesting a phone call when convenient. Later that afternoon, I received the call-back and after exchanging a few pleasantries, I plunged into the business at hand, desperately hoping for clarity. Once again, I recounted the events exactly as they had initially unfolded. And while, I don’t know him as well or for as long as I’ve known my friend, we’ve established an easy rapport over the past several years, and I’ve benefitted more times than I could count from his extremely precise knowledge of legal subtleties as well as a profound concern for his client’s best interests. I’ve not felt such confidence in an attorney since my days of being represented by Sorrell Trope, and that’s neither a comparison made, nor a compliment extended lightly.
TWO MORE TREASURED EXAMPLES OF UNPARALLELED DEVOTION.
To provide a little refresher course on all things “Missy,” (strictly for reference of course, surely not entertainment). The duration of my divorce proceedings as well as the resulting 9-year-long process which followed, was a by-product of my ex’s refusal to adhere to our Settlement Agreement, his fraudulent and bogus RICO lawsuit in New York’s Southern District, as well as his Voluntary Filing in US Bankruptcy Court’s Central District of California, which occupied a full four years of my life. Regardless of my desire to move on with my kid’s and my lives after the divorce, I was still required to engage legal representation in two different States and three assorted court systems, totaling well over $1,300,000.00 in personal cost and with a series of legal teams that ran the gamut from anywhere between a minimum of nine and oftentimes, as many as 16-17 attorneys working on my “alleged” behalf over those same years. That little trip down a very unpleasant memory lane is drudged up for the sole purpose of illustrating that I have genuinely experienced a full range of legal aptitude and competency, as well as its counterpart which includes menace, ineptitude, corruption, and even malpractice. As such I am unfortunately, but uniquely qualified to speak to both sides of the coin, and apart from Sorrell, this more recent attorney, Mike, has proven himself the only legal eagle I’d consider a standard bearer for the profession anymore.
With that level of confidence in mind and realizing this may sound conflicting, I simultaneously felt completely comfortable spilling my guts to Mike, while a small measure of shame still lingered somewhere in the recesses of my mind realizing that my failure to act more quickly and decisively five years ago when the violation first occurred, would likely have resulted in a far more effective outcome. Why had I so closely guarded this deeply-personal betrayal for such an extended period of time, allowing the deception to slowly erode my self-esteem while also eating away at my soul? Could it be that I regressed to a time in life when I always felt less-than and rarely trusted my instincts? Or was I perhaps more concerned with protecting the offender than I was worried about protecting myself and my own personal peace? I’m still not 100% sure about the answers to those questions, but it’s getting clearer little by little.
NO CLUE WHERE I FOUND THIS SCREENSHOT, BUT IT’S MY WISH FOR ANYONE GOING THROUGH THIS JOURNEY WITH ME!
After rehashing the entire experience with Mike, I was deeply impacted when I finally stopped speaking, and he said without a moment’s hesitation… “let me be very clear; what you have described was 100% illegal. It was a crime. I don’t want there to be any ambiguity about that point.”
He continued… “there are multiple federal cybercrime statutes that address unauthorized access to electronic communications and accounts. In some circumstances, these offenses can carry substantial federal fines, and in some circumstances even prison sentences, ranging anywhere from one year to as much as twenty years.”
Upon hearing that last part of the conversation, I swallowed hard, took several deep breaths, thanked Mike profusely, and ended the conversation. I sat with my new understanding for days before I was able to completely digest and comprehend the weight of what Mike’s words meant. The bottom line is that I let this event of five years ago almost cripple me, both emotionally and physically. With each day, week, month, and year that passed, it got worse, not better, especially after hearing my friend’s experience. For far too long, I spent way too much time “letting sleeping dogs lie.” This is one occasion when the validation and absolution I felt from hearing the truth was almost as powerful, if not more so, than the betrayal itself. Knowing the reality of a situation doesn’t lessen the pain experienced, but it does provide clarity. The shame and guilt I’ve carried for almost six years creating boundaries to protect myself, now feels justified, and I’m reminded of a quote I’m pretty sure I’ve referenced in the past which says something like, never take down a fence until you know why it was put up. Indeed, and with this fresh perspective in mind… words to live by!
TOUGH LESSONS ARE JUST THAT, AND SOME ARE MORE EXCRUCIATING THAN OTHERS, BUT IT’S ALWAYS BEST TO LEARN FROM THOSE TEACHINGS.
There’s much left to discover, both about myself, as well as why I handled this transgression the way I did or rather… didn’t. But as I said before, there’s a certain comfort to be found in clarity Will I mourn the life-altering event and almost inconceivable betrayal which occurred? Absolutely, but that doesn’t change reality, and that’s something I pray will help guide me through whatever the next chapter of my life brings.
The lyrics to this song by The Fray have also awakened me in a way I never imagined possible, but once again… it’s the truth and speaks volumes!
“Songs I’d Rather Not Sing” -The Fray
Got a life, and it's my first time living
Got eyes, but that don't mean I have vision
Some days just getting through is winning
Some days you just say good riddance
Got a heart, but it's my first time feeling
Got a floor that used to be my ceiling
Some people have a way of reaching
All the parts you have a hard time seeing
It isn't easy, isn't fair, but it's everything
I've been there before
Screaming outside, closing doors
Sting in my eyes
There's some songs I'd rather not sing
At the end of the day, I wouldn't change a thing
'Cause storms
Might've been what my heart needed more
Than a sunny-day drive
Funny how life's a coin with two sides
Breaks you and loves you at the same damn time
If there's a moon, there's a new sun rising
In the wreckage, there's a truth worth finding
If I failed, it just means I tried it
Got scars, just means I survived it
It isn't easy, isn't fair, but it's everything
I've been there before
Screaming outside, closing doors
Sting in my eyes
There's some songs I'd rather not sing
At the end of the day, I wouldn't change a thing
'Cause storms
Might've been what my heart needed more
Than a sunny-day drive
Funny how life's a coin with two sides
Breaks you and loves you at the same damn time
I've been there before
Screaming outside, closing doors, sting in my eyes
There's some songs I'd rather not sing